Monday, October 12, 2015

solid stones

Beach and I have been talking.  Between all the action the conversation has turned to families & parenting styles. Maybe not what you expected but there is a very good reason.  Through all the big chaos she has been watching the small details. Those little things that make each family different from the next. We've been talking about what she is seeing and how she feels about it.
Beach has a very limited autobiographical memory. I have a theory as to why that is. She comes from a long line of story tellers. We rely heavily on our minds to vividly capture moments so we can draw from them later. She lives so in the moment she hasn't develop an effective system for long term memories to flow back & forth as easily. I would also guess that much of Beach's early life was spent inside a visual haze & she had a hard time creating the clues she needed to recall events.
The point is she's had to ask a lot of question about her babyhood: comparing her world to the world of others. Reading the outcomes. She is finding that she likes the way our family does things. And even the things she doesn't love she is finding value in. Most of all she keeps returning to the security we have given her.

I am a huge believer in the need for stability & predictability in a child's life. Which fyi doesn't mean stagnant or boring. We are not a boring family! Sure, life is not always predictable but predictability in parenting/family encompasses a wide range of practicalities.    
Of course it starts with the iron work of stability all the stuff listed in the pamphlet your pediatrician gave you at your child's first well check. Morning & bedtime rituals easing transitions & lowering stress. Punctuality to avoid the dreaded rushing and all it's negative effects and the forgotten favorite sweaters/toys/blankets/books. Family time, boundaries, communication, rules, etc. But there is so much more to the equation.    
Like my own mother, I put a high priority on providing my children with those small comforts that become the emotional landscape of their childhood. Comforts that serve to remind them that they are always important & cared for: securely & predictably. 
I understand the need for the washing & rewashing (& rewashing) of the favorite shirt so they can wear it EVERY day. For silly notes on napkins & small surprises left on a child's pillow for no reason whatsoever. I get the need to cut a sandwich the correct way, even if the correct way is different for each child seated at the table. I know why the pink bath towel is not the one packed to go swimming with friends but is the one most used for bath time. 
I don't do all of this because I want my kids to love me so much that they will never leave home. No, in fact it is almost the opposite. I want them to be brave, adventurous, wild, & even reckless. I know when my children feel secure they are more willing to take risks, to make mistakes, to follow their passions, & to live a life of grand adventures. 

Sure I want to protect them. Trust me I am a very anxious person! I want them to be safe and live long lives and nothing to ever go wrong. But a long time ago as a very, very young parent folding laundry & watching the aftermath of the bombing of the Oklahoma Federal Building I made a decision that became the backbone of my parenting. What I want most for my child is I want them to LIVE. My job: as safely as possible, to help set them free.
To raise her I walked away from a career in medicine before I even had a chance to prove what a difference I could have made in that other world. Even on my hardest days I don't regret that decision. I let that role go by in exchange for making sure that my own child had the best foundation I could possibly offer her. I am predictably her mother- and that matters.
It takes a village but first they need to know the path beneath them is solid. 
This morning Beach came in from the field singing a song she's been composing, "You are the moon and I am the waves. If you hold on to me I can let go..."
Today she is 11. Tomorrow she will be 12. 

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