low lying clouds

I am standing in the darkness waiting.  Waiting to see the sun tip the mountains and spill the day across the valley floor.  I am waiting.  In one hand a cup of coffee and the other the phone pressed to my ear listening to BC who is apologizing. 

   

Like the light of day I am almost breaking.  Disturbing the black skyline with tears in my voice.  Trying to explain what is at the center of the issue.  Trying to explain the forces behind the sun but no one is listening.  

I remind BC how little I am asking for. I've not asked for money or time.  I haven't asked for him to come home for Beach's birthday.  Or to attend the PTC for his son.  I haven't complained about the forgotten phone calls or the return of the check engine light in my car. Nor have I complained about time taken for hunting.  And how much Beach is missing him.  

All I want is for BC (& his EX) to stop skipping over me when it comes to sharing information.  A few phone calls between them while I am here running the daily and they rewrite our lives like out of touch generals.  I don't even mind not having a say so I mind being totally ignored like the lady running a drop-in daycare center at the grocery store.  

They have a discussion about a math grade but neither of them knows why it is so low so they just point fingers at each other.  But I know why.  The boy is struggling in math AND the week/weekend he missed school for a visit to his mom in Idaho to roof their house he didn't get his math assignment done.  And even though he was granted an extension it wasn't enough.  I asked BC, "Did you remind her of that?" No, he forgot.  She forgot.  No one asked me.    

I am the one here raising their child by myself and in the case of BC both of his children.  But I am treated like the clouds.  The sun sets and rises on them.  They do all the work and we go to watch the sunset, the sunrise and we stare at the colors the clouds burst to hold and we say nothing about them.           

I start to tell BC that the issue bleeds down the ranks.  About how I need the boy's help with the dogs on Friday and how causally he acted like what I was asking wasn't fitting into his plans so he might not help me out, maybe next time... but I can give him a ride at 8 AM to his defensive driving class way out South on Saturday morning at the exact time Beach needs to be at gym. In the middle of the 2 days that I have warned him about for weeks that will be so cRaZy busy for me.  The ones I asked for his help with but he can't be any more bothered than his dad or mom about what I might need, but yeah, I can drive him, right? 

Oh Misty, did I forget to check with you before I scheduled it? I talked to my dad.  I fought with my mom.  They talked & fought about motorcycles and insurance- did we forget something? 

BC interrupts me saying, "Can you take the phone the to Fisher." I wipe tears off my cheek, "I keep getting this call from school that he owes $3 and I am sick of getting it." 

Oh, I see.  Let's check the numbers on the parent-child wrist bands, please sign here, and you are all set to go. Thank you, come again.

I explain that I'm not in the house I am out in the yard waiting to see a sunrise.  That I've waiting a long time just standing alone in the dark.  I say something about the moon. BC isn't listening except to correct my insult of calling Venus a star.  He steps over me, "I've asked him to handle it and he hasn't so I need to really lay into him about it...."  

Yeah, sure. Why not. I'm not doing anything that would be important to anyone else.  

I hand off the phone knowing it will not be returned to me, that our conversation is gone, and any message BC asks to have passed with not be given.  

I slip back outside to see that while I was in the house the moon and her companion have faded from the sky.  The clouds are all grey and it's just another day.