but you

When you grow up there is a story I will tell you. It will explain everything about me, about the woman I have become. Why I am here and not there. It will define the blue I swim beneath. 

You will understand why I am afraid of the dark, why I sleep in a nest of pillows, why I seek deep hours of solitude & the peaceful isolation of the desert. Why I choose the friends I do and why I write. It will all make sense then...  

I know you wonder. I watch you spotting tiny glimpses of who I used to be. They float by you like shimmering bubbles that pop in your hand. It's like that for me too.

I know you want more for me than I want for myself. That may be an odd statement coming from a mother to her daughter but like I said when you are older we will sit in the afternoon sunlight at your kitchen table and I will tell you. You will know why I am content to just be here; to be alive. One day but not now.

All you need to know now is when I, the unbeliever, the doubting Thomas, the secret keeper, the swimmer of the blue, when I look at you I believe. 

When I look at you I know.