what if you could hear me thinking (written July 2015)

We pass my keys around the office all the time. I must hand them off at least a dozen times a shift.

And although the keys are different what I know about them doesn't change.

The thing no one else see is this: exactly 2 years ago I did something very scary relating to those keys....

"...I parked in the gym parking lot, walked Beach in, dropped my car keys inside her team folder in the filing cabinet, let people know where the keys were & where I was going and left on foot to run to the park.

On the way to the park I crossed over the freeway bridge and I thought “car in the lot, keys easy to find, kid in good hands, if I’m going to do this, this would be the time and the place. I should jump- shouldn’t I?

Back when my son was in preschool a mom dropped her child off at school went home put the baby down for a nap and killed herself knowing full well that when she didn't show back-up for pick-up it would trigger, in the shortest period of time, the safe recovery of both of her children. Of course 'safe' minus a dead mom.

The question "should I?" hung high over speeding traffic. So I stopped in the middle of the bridge and waited for the answer to come..."

Yeah, that happened but before we move on, 2 items of business.

1. I published this 2 years ago right after it happened w/out any complaints so I don't want any flack about it now.

2. Secrets, denial, and silence kills people. If you have a question about why I would say that feel free to read and my disclaimer about this space.

My reason for bringing this up isn't about me. It's to remind us that we don't really know what is going on in the lives of most of the people moving around us. Life is bittersweet, beautiful, and times it is really-really hard.

When I place my keys in someone's hand I am reminded of this. And today when I handed them off I made the decision to share this again because July is my hardest month.

This past year has been the worst year of my life, and that is saying a lot. But I'm okay because the people around me are amazing and for the most part they don't even know how much sweetness they have brought into my life.

Which brings us back to the point: sometimes the most important keys to pass between us are the words we aren't speaking.