sandstone

 By the time I peeled myself out from under the covers, ribbons of sunlight were already running long across the grass. 

"Your coffee is cold," BC called from the kitchen. 

In my mind I countered him, yeah my waitress sucks.  It was the response, or one like, he would expect to hear from me.  

I said nothing. Instead I took the cold cup coupling it with my computer looking for the answers to questions I sent out last night before I went to bed. 

One was there.  One was not. 

Is a friend who is in Mexico City okay? Yes, for now and trying to head home. That is a huge relief.  

The other, the less important one, unanswered.  It wasn't really question anyway.  It was more of a instinctual reaction.  Like the sound you make when you get punched in the gut.  A blow you were expecting, steeled yourself against, and you make that noise anyway.... the kind of punch that comes with a price tag.

It was a BIG tag and yet a fair price: sum of travel and lodging for a college show case camp for Beach and a few of her mates.

Late at night after work I had pulled up the e mail detailing the final expenses.  It was after a long practice for Beach dragging along her slowly healing hamstring (I was reminded it could be worse!).

Believe it or not, this is not about the actual money amount.  In the end I know (by the faith of others) it all works out- or at least it has in the past.  It's about the isolation of being the person it falls on. There isn't someone to turn to say, hey would you look at this with me for a moment? 

BC is better left out of the details.  That is why I pay all the cost related to gym on my own or at least try to.  That's why as Beach and BC watched TV I sat alone staring at the computer letting it sink in.

Sometimes being the lone gym parent in the family feels like you are standing at the bottom of a slot canyon catching boulders rolling over the sides while everyone else enjoys the scenery.

Some of the stones are tiny, they float like dust. Others are good sized rocks.  Then there are those like the one last night, those that fall with weight and bad timing. 

Standing on unstable ground already holding the cost of new warm-ups, a new routine, 2 regional camps, a season of travel meets, monthly tuition, much needed car repairs, and medical costs...

As the trees stretched out, their shadows broke up the streaking sun.  BC left for work but not before he brought me a new, hot cup of coffee. 

I am grateful Beach is here.  That she has this chance.  That she is surrounded by amazing people everyday. 

I adjust my load of stones so I can hold the relief of a friend's safety and BC's love where I can see them better. Feel the weight of what matters pulling me forward instead of letting what doesn't drag me down.