3 years ago today......
What made me turn in my seat was hearing her teammates calling me. The words they were collectively saying didn't fully sink in until they parted and Beach came into view standing on the vault runway holding her glasses in her outstretched hand.
Her glasses- it was what they were saying, 'Beach broke her glasses'. She crossed the floor of mats into the office space handing me the tiny blue frames one of the arms snapped clean off.
"Oh"
I have thought about the possibility of this moment many times. I had long decided that if she was willing she should go ahead, wherever with whatever she was doing. This should not stop her.
I had always pictured it would be a worse case; an out of state meet. In the style line of an overly dramatic after school special, she would compete her final event without her glasses and win gold! I know it's completely laughable, all mothers are slightly insane, become a gym mom and you go from renting in crazy town to leasing a timeshare. And the only reason you don't own property there is you can't afford it!
But it's hard not to see these little giants as anything other than amazing. My storyline of the underdog taking the meet is based on reality. Last season Beach took off her orthopedic boot and competed on her broken toe. At awards we all watched the kid wearing the boot (much to the dismay of her competitors) awkwardly climb to the steps to first place.
I suppose I somehow despite my constant warning to others of her altered abilities I myself saw her glasses as just a magic feather.
I approached the head coach. Holding her broken glasses in my hand he first asked me, "Did you see her Yurchenko Pike?" I said I hadn't. He smiled and nodded to himself; this means it was good, whatever it was, it was good. Which answered part of the question I had forgotten to ask- how exactly did Beach break her glasses? Well, not crashing and burning on 'her' chanko I suppose.
"If you are alright with it I think she can continue without them." I offered.
"I know she can." He said. So the 2 of us agreed she would finish practice without her glasses.
I would say it was the part of me that wants to ignore the reality of the condition of her sight that believed this was possible. Despite the daily bombardment of accommodations, like too blind to see in the low light of the shower so she showers with the curtain half open and we place her shampoo and conditioner in the exact same spot for her to find. I wanted her to be able enough to... to do gymnastics almost completely blind. I wanted her to see.
Luckily for us, all the owner and one of her other beloved coaches (who has coached Beach from the very beginning of time) would have nothing to do with it. I was dispatched home for Beach's backup pair while the owner took my spot working at the reception desk.
Before leaving I walked out onto the floor (a perk of the job) to tell Beach that glasses were on the way. She was in the process of moving from vault to floor, 2nd rotation of the day.
At that point, she had vaulted twice without glasses. She looked pale and waxy, very tired for so early. The marks where her glasses grip tight across her nose red and raw. She did something she does at home when she isn't wearing her glasses. Using only the vision in her right eye she orients herself off-center to the person speaking to her. Then she talks to the side of you. It always reminds me of a blind baby bird. And the talking part- she was talking too loud- because she wasn't seeing me. What vision she had managed to pull together was already fatiguing to the point of failure.
Later she would tell me about the work it took to make a halfway accurate picture of the vault table as she ran towards it. How small it was and how the scene shifted and bounced like a ride on a rickety roller coaster.
It makes sense considering Beach sees only what she can construct out of the mismatched information coming in. Often she sees double and lately we have learned the 2 eyes don't see color or light the same way. Sight for Beach is a second language and a lot gets lost in translation.
She told me the one pass of her floor routine before I returned with her back up glasses was a crazy mix of light and muted color. She had no idea where she was but it wasn't scary it just "hurt" her stomach.
I think that must be true of me too, having no idea where I was. I wanted to believe that the warnings I give other people about her vision are the lies of an overly protective mother. That the threat of her losing her sight altogether is simply a plot twist in her after school special. I want to believe what I know about her isn't true.
Never witness her inability to read the grand E at the top of the eye chart. I want to be one of the spectators who doesn't believe that that kid down there can't see.
Her team of eye doctors insists on every visit what she does in the gym isn't possible. And they are right it isn't and yet she clearly IS.
In the end, it was I who was underestimating her. I wanted to see her walk on water when she was already out there running on it.
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