It's that moment. The pause. The place that might mark the before and the after. Are we truly here? I wondered watching her trying to get comfortable on the gurney. She's too big and too small all at the same time. The ER hummed quietly outside the closed door as the clock dragged against the night and we waited.
In the 8 plus years, Coach Lindsay has coached Beach that was the first text I have ever received during practice from her. It was about Beach's back. More shocking than that was when I showed up and pulled her from practice to go in for x-rays Beach didn't even question it.
She was done throwing punches in the dark.
It's hard to retell the contents of the hours in a holding pattern and maintain their integrity. To explain the family connection I have with the ER Doc; Dr. Plum. That I grew up with her little brother Andy. Andy who died of an overdose fueling Dr. Plumb and her family to set up UtahNaloxone. When I identified myself to her I said, I am Wendi Brown's little sister... I too am a sibling to one of the Lost.
Only hours earlier standing beneath a giant billboard with Andy's photo on it I had told Beach about Dr. Plumb and about Andy not knowing Beach would be meeting her within a few short hours.
While we waited to be seen, Beach's phone died. I gave her mine. Beach got 2 full series of X-rays. I got Instagram installed on my phone.
The first nurse knew one of Beach's teammates. The second X-ray tech was a retired gymnast with horror stories of an abusive coach. The kid standing at the nurses' station that we passed on the way out- was a gymnast. The Dr and the room nurse had bets on what was meant on Beach's chart where it said, It hurt in the fall. Fall the season or a fall? Yes, with a gymnast it would be the season.
What else everyone was, was respectful. The staff respected her and her sport. There was no gymnastics bashing, no she should quit, no shaming, none of that which usually occurs between medicine, gymnasts and their parents.
And yes, back to the possibility it was a fall, they fall all the time... but Beach has never truly had a serious wipeout that would cause medical concern. One super bad vault I still hear coaches talk about but didn't see, a half dozen double pikes to the face, a handful of less than planned bar "releases", a couple of beam bites, loads of missed feet.
Dr. Plumb gave me discharge papers, a disc of the images, 2 RX's scrips, and a hug good-bye. We left the ER after midnight. Drove 4th South home in the rain. She was what she was going in and coming out. She is a gymnast.
This morning BC and I sat together on the sofa sifting through the information and we came to a very decisive conclusion: neither of us can read x-rays.
However, knowing what specifically is wrong and what is NOT wrong gives us something. We will meet with a specialist and a PT and the coaches but really all the decisions are with Beach. Had the films shown something unstable or major... but they didn't. Ortho left it open telling us to go get her cleared and she could compete IF the pain doesn't stop her.
So this is the nightmare of a gym mom; in the ER getting spinal x-rays. My child walked in and she walked out. She even stood in her leotard instead of a hospital gown for the first set of films. Yes, I know what this sport can do. I am well aware of the danger it keeps in and out.
This sport helped create her. It surrounds her in love and support. It pushes her to be capable and brave. She is amazing and strong and this sport gives her a place to prove that to herself.
In a moment; it reminds me of how close we are to the end of this chapter in her life. How close any of us are, to anything, at any moment. It reminds me to enjoy the journey, the good and the bad, and all the long drives between before and after.
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