forever hold your peace

BC came home to help send Fisher off to Idaho for the summer.  This has been date I have been watching for a long time.  It's huge. And it's accidentally Father's Day weekend.

BC came home late in the night on Thursday. The only one up to meet him was Oz.  Beach and I had to be to gym & work by 8 am and then some secondary gym event in the evening. Even though he picked Beach up in the afternoon for a few hours I didn't really see him until after 10 PM on Friday night.

On Saturday morning he helped Fisher pack while Beach and I stayed mostly out of the way.  After the boy's mom came, loaded his stuff, including his motorcycle, and drove off with him, BC looked at Beach & asked, "How does it feel to be an only child again?" "I'll let you know." She said.  But being an only with her dad was short lived. Within an hour of Fish leaving messages were already coming back about big issues with his mother & step-father, undercurrents, mixed messages, and hidden agendas.  

Between lumber errands,  new tires on BC's truck, an a/c tune-up, and phone calls, we did Father's Day.  Knowing he was heading back to Moab ASAP I let go the hopes of attending a bbq with friends that I had been looking forward to. But after calling and leaving a message with no reply back I think the bbq did not miss me... BC apologized for messing me up like that. It's really not his fault it is just the way this year is going. 

By September I will be lucky to have any friends left.

In the aftermath of it all the silence is weightless. 

And that is where I am standing now, a fatherless father's day.  In the soft peace of long yellow grasses folded over by the heat of the mid June sun. I have missed my chance to get tangled up in the vastness of the desert.  Another season barely touched. That's okay.  From here the days are long and the nights are slow.  The lakes and the mountains calling.

There is a lot of freedom in having nothing more to lose.  I have only what I have been able to hold on to with my own hands. Everything else has fallen away. 

Just me and my only. 

 "And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good." 

~Steinbeck, East of Eden~