the undiplomat

It's easy to sit here and talk about the neighbors but what would they say about me? 

First of all, I'm a jerk. 

I try very hard to keep to myself and fail miserably at doing so. How bad am I at it? Same bad as I am at it at work. Everyday I tell myself go in, keep your head down, mouth shut....yeah, that never happens.

And yet given the choice, I would choose total blackout isolation. I'm pretty sure my neighbors know this but.... I am the go-to-girl around these parts. 

Plus, I have a few habits that put me high up on the list of irregulars. First, I tend to do bizarre things, often & in public view. Second, I have a reputation for acting before I think. One and two might be related. Third, I suffer from Alice in Wonderland Syndrome, way too curious & always up for a good trespassing. And of course there is the whole taking off my shirt thing....

One might even say I am neighborhood-odd-enough to have a promising future as the Cat Lady. Although, I don't really like cats and I have a hard time keeping them alive. But Taxidermy Cat Lady, bring it on. 

I hide in my house a lot and don't answer the door.  And I am pretty sure I make plain as day horrible faces when certain neighbors stop by like the "not from Colorado" lady and most of all my neighbor J.       

I really am a jerk when it comes to him. 

Take yesterday, J starts into the street towards me as I am exiting my car. I start grabbing shit and barking orders at Beach trying to make a mad and obvious avoiding dash into the house.

There is J, limping as fast as he can, dodging cars speeding around him, calling my name. I make it to the porch steps as he calls out, "I just wanted to let you know... have you seen the front of your car?"

I stop still undecided: in the grand scheme of life how important is a car really?

"Did someone break into it?"

He limps closer. "No parking enforcement put an impound notice on it."

This gets my attention. The car in question is little red. Now she is still street legal for 2 more months. Runs like a champ. And she is parked in front of my own house.

"I thought you might have seen it but just wanted to let you know."

I thanked him, feeling like the jerk I am, for making him have to work so hard to help me. I walk out to the street. I get down & look at the chalk marks. 

Now here is my point of view. Please don't send me parking enforcement propaganda. 

If I got to vote a city/government-type organisations off the island it would be UTA and followed immediately by Parking Enforcement. Garbage cops on segways get Miss Congeniality.  

So let's please NOT come to my house and draw on my car. It pisses me right the fuck off. Because if some neighborhood kid did that, I would turn the hose on them.  

And I don't care what the law is about "on street storage", I never agreed to that, I have a short driveway, and the car can't come inside. I paid the money for a full year of street legal so I'm taking it. 

Besides, what if I just have zero life and I never go anywhere and here is parking enforcement rubbing that fact in?! What if there was a spider in it and so it was no longer okay to touch?! What if I am super OCD and I park my car in the exact same spot, same tire rotation every damn day?! I'm telling you it is possible. For 9 months I listened to the same 3 songs on the way to school 5 days a week. Parked in the same parking spot and sat in the same seat in lecture hall. I got skills.

And then there is this: my neighbors have already been calling me to ask what they can do about the sudden surge of Parking Enforcement attention we are getting. 

Honestly, the last thing I need is one more item to handle. Especially considering it is planting season & I am still dealing with the loose cocks down the block. How's 'bout we kill 2 birds w/ 1 stone. Let's round-up the roosters & illegally park them on the street.