It isn't the first time I have had this dream but it was surely the most vivid. And as far as I can remember the other times I was moving in. This time he had done it all for us. The kids were there too, all of them. And oddly, BC's parents; his mom stomping around complaining about all sorts of unimportant things. And it was Christmas. He had decorated the house for Christmas.
In the dream I was thinking, well I don't remember making this decision but everything I need is here so maybe I should just go along with it.....and then I looked at the wooden mantel above the fireplace and I remembered BC. I knew I couldn't give him up but I didn't know how to get out of the whole thing. It all seems so very committed.
When I woke up late (7:30) I didn't quite know where I was. This happens a lot, I was married to my ex for 11 yrs. I try to feel where the bed is in the room and where the room is in a house and then move to what house is this; who am I with ex or BC?
It took me a few minutes to slip out of the tightness the dream had set on me and get out of bed. Then I was thinking: I could move my bike into the mudroom, the way I used to keep my bike. I could redo those 2 cupboards in the kitchen to the way I would like them to be. I've wanted to trim some branches for 2 weeks; I should go find the garden shears, bet they are in BC's shop somewhere. Then the thoughts dropped a gear; clean front porch, water the yard, sweep bark back into the plant beds, farmers market, dust, laundry......the scenery in my head to go with all of this: a hiking trail at the top of Millcreek Canyon.
Under the list of 'take-backs' and chores I could feel the panic of the dream building into the real day. So between spooning pancake batter and grinding coffee I went about finding a phone. Turns out there was one under a blanket on the sofa upstairs. I turned it on and nothing. I turned it off and back on. Still nothing. I looked carefully at the receiver it said: NO LINE.
I set out to find the issue which meant getting down on the kitchen floor and pulling out the rat's nest of wires (yes, I know and it is the usual suspect) but nothing I plugged and unplugged changed the phones mind.
It's not the bill or the line into the house but it might be the phone jack behind the big wooden wardrobe. A very unfortunate situation for me. I'm pretty sure I can move it myself (have before), but that is after I take everything out of it. And being the doubting Thomas that I am, I am also pretty sure once I go through all the trouble to get back there it won't be the fix to the phone.
I can admit there is a little bit of a fuck it feeling right now.
A little bit of a calm-slow-soft-panic.
No phone. Does it even fucking matter? Not sure. Normally I would say no one would will even notice. But it might scare my mom who is trying to stop by today to pick up a book for aunt. And then there is the issue of the big meeting with the city I have this week on Thursday; they might want to get a hold of me.
But at least I know where my day is starting: inside the wardrobe.
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